Jokes

JOKES

There were two dwarves .... who won the lottery. The first thing they did was hire a couple of prostitutes and go to a hotel. Their rooms are next to each other and with a wink, they each take their lady of the night into a room.

The first dwarf, Dave, is only just in bed when he hears through the wall "1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH". Excited that his friend, Jeff, is all ready under way he rips off his clothes. Still he hears "1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH" from next door, and wonders how his friend can keep going. He tries to concentrate on what he is doing but is so distracted by the "1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH" that despite his and the prostitute's best efforts, he cannot get started. Even as he was drifting off to an unfulfilled sleep he still hears "1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH"

The next day they meet outside the rooms after the prostitutes have left. The 2nd dwarf is still bright red in the face and looks exhausted.

"How was your night Dave ?" asked Kevin.

"Terrible" replied Dave. "I couldn't get an erection."

"You lucky bastard" said Kevin. "I couldn't get on the bed"

A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no," you're gripping the club way too hard!"

"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.

"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asks the wife.

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pros advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.

"That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!"

Stefan and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" To which the little boy responds No. "Then you can't have one." A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I have one of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy responds No. "Then you can't have one."

Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "I just won $50,000" Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?" The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" "Yes," Says grandpa.

"Then go fuck yourself!"

One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing were wrong. Billy watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family." So Billy climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Billy, "this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what

this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs.

So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, banged each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still hust standing around. One more try, he tells himself and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and upon returning home falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn."

WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:

I'M HUNGRY

I'm hungry

I'M SLEEPY

I'm sleepy

I'M TIRED

I'm tired

I'VE GOTTA PEE

Get out of the way

I'VE GOTTA GO

Get out of the way and stay away until it clears

CAN I CALL YOU SOMETIME?